Sometimes

Sometimes when I’m just having a normal day, the thought comes up to look at Cooper’s pictures. Usually, I’ll try to suppress that thought and ignore it, but guilt kicks in and most of the time the urge to see her wins. I can look at her pictures and smile, but sometimes when I see her beautiful face, it just knocks the breath out of me. Seeing pictures of your baby, knowing that they are the only pictures you’ll ever have, knowing that her face will never change and her body will never grow, it leaves a pit in your stomach. 

I haven’t written much lately because I really haven’t had much to say. On the outside, life is going great. I’ve been back to work for a few months, I’m busy, I’m pretty happy most days. But there’s always the strongest pain just under the surface. I can laugh and smile and have a normal life from what outsiders can see, but inside I feel like my heart is just shriveled up and withering away. 

I hate this pain. I wish every day that I could go back in time. Go back to years ago before we even knew that Cooper would exist, go back to when I first met Branden, when we first moved in together, when we bought our first home, when we got engaged, when we got married, when we found out we were having a baby. Why can’t I be that girl again? Why was my innocence taken away? Why do I have to know that babies die? Not just know but why did I have to experience it firsthand? 

I have come to accept the fact that this is not a dream. It’s been almost 6 months since we last held Cooper, since we had to tell her goodbye forever. Some days are so easy and some days are just the hardest most painful days. And in every minute I can be so happy and so sad. Grief is just exhausting. 

I hate that this ever happened and I hate that I don’t get to raise my beautiful baby. I hate seeing my husband hurt and I hate that we can’t change anything. I hate that we have to miss Cooper for the rest of our lives. 

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