Talking to Cooper

I walked out to my car to grab something and noticed my new neighbor was outside checking his mail. We strike up our first conversation and introduce ourselves. He says, “It’s just us two in the house.” And I replied with, “Same here, just my husband and me and 3 dogs. We had a daughter, but she passed away. But we’re hoping to have more children soon.” He responds with “God bless you.” I then tell him that’s the first time I’ve said that without getting upset. 

I didn’t tell him that he could come inside and see a beautiful nursery stocked with every item a baby needs, and then some. I didn’t tell him we remodeled our entire home in preparation for her arrival and all of the guests who would come to see her. I didn’t tell him that her name was picked out ten years ago and was a combination of my middle name, my grandmothers maiden name, and my mom’s middle name. I didn’t tell him how much she was wanted. BUT, I did tell him about her and that’s the most important fact. 

I walked back into my house and plopped down on the couch. I was sitting there thinking, wow how did I just do that?

“I wasn’t even consciously thinking when I told him about you, Cooper. I just blurted it out. And I did it. I told a stranger about you and didn’t cry. I was so proud of you, I just yelled across my yard to tell him about you. I did that. You gave me that strength. Thank you, Cooper.” 

I still talk to her in my head, like I always did during my pregnancy. Does this make me crazy? 

“Hey Cooper, give mommy some kicks so I know you’re ok.” 

“Cooper, what do you want to eat today?”

“Hey Cooper, what should we wear today?” 

“Hey Cooper, do you think you’ll like pickles like me, only on their own? Or pickles like Daddy, on everything?” 

“Hey Cooper, wanna listen to our songs?” (She would kick along to anything with a beat) 

“Cooper, let’s start organizing your clothes, I’m in your room now, look at this mess I’ve made.” (I’d imagine her shaking her head at me!) 

“Hey Cooper, help me remember this deadline.” (I’d imagine her scribbling things down on a notepad like my little assistant.) 

“Hey Cooper, I ordered your first July 4th outfit today, I hope it fits! I also bought some PJs with dinosaurs on them and a Christmas sleeper with cute puppies on it!” 

“Coop, can you get out of my hips maybe, or just lay vertical for like 5 minutes? Mommy can barely walk.” 

“Hey Cooper, I sure do love you!” 

“Hey Cooper, the flowers are starting to bloom, I hope they’re still here when you come out!” 

“Cooper, Daddy started painting your room today!” (We chose the paint color “Angelic,” looking back now, I have to wonder if that choice was foreshadowing)

“Hey Cooper, I can balance a bottle on my belly now!” 

“Coopy girl I love you so, I can’t wait to meet you!” 

Now: 

“Cooper, please stop hiding, we’re scared.”

“Hey Cooper, I’m trying to negotiate with the universe, but it’s not working. I’m sorry baby.” 

“Cooper, just open those eyes! Cry for mommy!” 

“Cooper girl, why did you leave me?”

“Cooper, I’m just going to take my breath and put it in you. How do I do that?” 

“Cooper” – 1st thought every morning 

“Cooper” – last thought before I fall asleep 

“Cooper Kay, mommy loves you more than anything.” 

“Hey Cooper, would you send mommy a sign? I need to feel you.”

“Cooper, I miss you. I can’t breathe today baby.”

“Cooper, your Nana sent me a picture of a stuffed piggy today, all alone on a shelf. Thank you for sending that to her.” 

“Cooper, Daddy is so sad. Can you send him some smiles?”

“Hey Cooper, I saw a bunch of birdies today, thank you, baby.”

“Cooper, I didn’t cry today.” 

“Hey Cooper, Daddy and I finally moved you into your urn. That was rough, but we’re happy you’re in your forever spot now. I kissed it tonight and it was cold. It gave me a feeling of peace because you were cold when I kissed you too.” 

“Coop, today I can’t get out of my head. I have no strength.” 

“Cooper, your Sweetie is really missing you today. Can you send her some peace?” 

“Cooper, today was a good day. Mommy and Daddy went back to work.” 

“Cooper, today was great. Until I got in the car and then I felt so alone. I wish you were here.” 

“Cooper, we found out today that we will never know why you died. Why did you die? What happened to you baby? Why didn’t I know?” 

“Why Cooper? Why God?” 

“Cooper, today I told a stranger about you. I didn’t cry. I said it with strength and a smile on my face. You gave me that strength. I miss you.” 

“Cooper, today is Mother’s Day. I get to celebrate today because you made me a mommy. You gave me this fire, a flame that will never burn out. I miss you more than anything, but I’m so happy I’m your mommy.” 

“Cooper, you’d be three months old now. I wonder what we’d be doing.”

“Cooper, this week I had to travel and was gone for a few days. I didn’t get to kiss your urn every night like I usually do, but instead, I got to tell a lot of people about you. There are so many people who know about you now. I wish I had a different story to tell them about you, but I’ll take what you gave me and use it for good.” 

“Cooper, some days I can’t breathe because my longing and my missing you is so strong. I love you more than anything. I love you more than I ever thought was possible.” 

“Cooper, today I read an article that shared my blog. It is titled “A grieving mom thanks her care team at the Gwinnett Women’s Pavilion” Cooper, they called me a Grieving Mom, which is so true but the most important thing that stuck out was “Mom”. You made me a mommy, because I made YOU, my precious angel!” 

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