Rollercoaster

“Ok wow, I’ve had a few very great, very “normal” feeling days. What the fuck is happening? Am I healing? Am I losing it? I’m supposed to be miserable all day every day. I’m supposed to not want to be around people, not want to see children or hear babies crying. I mean that’s how I felt a week ago. Am I a shitty Mom because I’m not missing her every second of every day? Would I be a shitty mom if she was here and that’s why she’s gone?” 

Then, it hits me. Grief Rollercoaster. Although this is not a perfect title for grief since a roller coaster is fun as shit and this is.. well definitely not fun, but it is shit. 

This week I’ve been riding up the hill at a steady pace, who knows when I’ll peak and start flying back down into the seemingly bottomless pit of soul-sucking grief and pain. Last week, week 8 since I last held Cooper, that’s where I was. I hated everything and had barely anything positive to say or feel. I couldn’t get out of that headspace. Then last Saturday came, my Dad called me “Mama” and my positivity came back and it stuck with me for this entire week. I am a Mama. I am someone’s mother. A very special someone’s mother at that.

I’m hoping this lasts, but I know I can’t ignore the pain. I can’t ignore the fact that my daughter is dead and we’re here to live without her. Sometimes I can realize that, understand it, comprehend what it means and continue to have a good day. And that’s how I feel today. 

I’m thankful for a happy day full of reality and coping. I know these days save my strength for the following ones where life is a blur and I’m so heartbroken that it hurts to breathe. 

Grief is not something you can “feel better” from. Grief is always with you, but sometimes you’re lucky and it is dormant, just under the surface. Sometimes it completely takes over every part of your body and you have to let it take over when it demands you to, otherwise, that “breakout” will become longer and more painful. The strongest reprieve from grief comes from love. Luckily for me, my girl gave me this strong, fierce, everlasting love that helps calm my heart, it strengthens me at the times when I think I have no strength. And it reminds me that while she is not here, I am. And I have to live my life as best as I can, I want her to be proud of me, just like I would if she was here. 

Today I’m enjoying the view from the top of my roller coaster and hoping I can hang out up here a little bit longer. 

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