Two Months Later

Two months is crying the whole 32 miles to work and calling your husband to check on him, only to find out that he cried the whole way too. 

It’s leaving work early because you can’t stand to be around everyone and pretend you’re ok.

It’s driving to the doctors’ office to pick up printouts of your dead baby‘s heartbeat scan so your best friend can make something special for you with them. 

It’s hating your body because it’s moving on and you’re not ready to. It’s logging your first period in 10 months into your app so it will tell you when you ovulate next. 

It’s listening to the songs that remind you of your favorite times together driving in the car, you singing, baby kicking along, and screaming the words by yourself now to try to feel close to her. 

It’s daydreaming of when you were pregnant and what her kicks felt like before they stopped. 

It’s looking for pictures online of young kids to try to imagine what she would’ve looked like at different ages. 

It’s going to get your oil changed, and handing your keys over with the sweet keychain your friend gave you, hoping they’ll ask about it so you can tell them about your precious baby. 

It’s wanting to not dye your hair anymore so your hair is lighter like hers was. 

It’s pinching yourself and saying “FUCKING WAKE UP NOW! THIS IS JUST A HORRIBLE DREAM!” 

It’s pulling into your driveway and realizing you were so lost in your thoughts that you don’t remember how you drove home. 

It’s going into your baby’s perfect nursery and yelling and pleading to God to please give you some peace and an ounce of courage to continue to breathe without her here. 

It’s telling your husband you think it’d be best to just sell your home and pack up her things before you get pregnant again so you don’t have to be the ones to erase her nursery. 

It’s pleading with the universe to please let you know why she died because you need some kind of closure or reason. 

It’s praying for every pregnant woman and new parents that their baby is ok and that this won’t happen to them. 

It’s wondering what the fuck you did to deserve this. 

It’s begging God to please let you get pregnant again and please let you keep the next baby. 

It’s deciding to open your world up to the outside and share the link to your blog on social media. It’s for the first time in your life knowing that people will judge you, and FINALLY not giving a shit because this is about you and your heart.

Two months hurts like hell. 

4 thoughts on “Two Months Later

  1. Amy says:

    Oh my precious Brandon & Carolyn, you are enduring so much, it breaks my heart to think of you hurting, and it brings a rush of tears that we can’t sooth. I know without my grandparents hardships, my parents sacrifices, the fact I have 5 siblings my life would not have been fulfilled. Without our Cooper Kay, in her earthly form, we were left unfulfilled. Yet I see her every time I see my Mother’s picture, when a robin flies by, when I sit and listen to the air flit leaves about. She is in Katie Beth’s little crinkle when she smiles, in my Amanda’s warmth, in your beautiful smile, in Brandon’s laugh. She’s is Sheila’s quiet strength and Jamie’s shyness. She is the essence of all before her and us that have to wait to hold her. Copper lives inside my heart, very protected, very much loved and cherished. She has made me see things I may have missed, she is part of our family quilt.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Shelia says:

    As I sit hear reading your blog I have tears streaming down my face. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Cooper. I find myself sharing her story often. Sometimes it’s without tears when I talk about our angel baby and other times I can’t finish without breaking down. I write to her and tell her that I know that was her sending me signs that she is fine up in heaven. I also pray that others do not suffer the heartbreak that we have over losing Cooper , but I also question why. I pray for strength daily for you and Branden. Just know that Cooper Kay is in my heart forever and she will never be forgotten.
    Love you more


    • longingforcooper says:

      Same here, sometimes I can tell people and some I can’t. I’m so happy you write to her. I wish everyday that she could’ve grown up with you to watch her. I hate thinking of everything we’re missing out on. Love you.


  3. Lynn says:

    Carolyn you and Brandon God is gonna give you another beautiful angel to whole love and care for I know sometimes things are put in our life that hurts so deeply breaks our heart beyond repair And I know we say we will never love like we did this time but you will have is much love if not more for the next angel that comes into your lives as you did for the 1st Cooper k’s love and memories will always be with us And nothing can ever change the but her brother sister will get to know her and love her the same as we all do Thanks for sharing the love of Cooper and And remember we all love you


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