I plugged my information into the pregnancy app on July 27, 2017, and today is the date it gave us. Today was supposed to be the day we would meet Cooper. I know usually due dates don’t stick, but this is the date you anticipate for the entire pregnancy. Throughout pregnancy you think, just 36, 32, 20, 15, 10, 6 more weeks. You count down the days and minutes until this date. Well, here we are. Today is definitely not how we planned, hoped or dreamed it would be. Knowing that Cooper would have more than likely been here, alive and in our arms, maybe even weeks or days old is surreal. She should be here.

I used to daydream about the first few weeks and months with Cooper. My mind was infatuated with her as an infant. I dreamed about her learning new things every day, hearing new noises she’d make, wondering if we’d be successful at breastfeeding, etc. Now I daydream of an alternate universe where she’s with us and we’re safe and happy and our days are filled with nothing but Cooper. My daydreams used to always end with “one day soon, X weeks away, you’ll know how sweet it will be.” Now they end with “you’ll never know, at least not with Cooper, but maybe another baby will come along.”

We go out to do things now, same as we always did before Cooper and I can’t help but look over at Branden and think, we should be home right now knee deep in poop, dirty bottles and spit up. We should be rocking and soothing her. At this point, we would probably be desperate to get out of the house and take her places, desperate for a hot shower, ready for a break or a nap. But so in love and happy that we would rather just stare at her all day.

Now I have all of this free time to do whatever I want, but the only thing I want isn’t here. The only thing I want to be doing, I can’t do.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. But it’s how I feel. The inner thoughts of a mommy with no baby to love on. My heart yearns for this beautiful baby and everything that comes with having her. I carry her in my heart, but I wish more than anything that I could carry her in my arms.

Some days I think I’m losing my mind. My mind is so obsessed with this baby I can’t care for. My brain is literally wired to only worry about protecting and loving on my baby, and my arms don’t understand why they’re empty. There’s nothing in this world that can compare to this fierce love and fierce longing for Cooper.