Two months is crying the whole 32 miles to work and calling your husband to check on him, only to find out that he cried the whole way too.
It’s leaving work early because you can’t stand to be around everyone and pretend you’re ok.
It’s driving to the doctors’ office to pick up printouts of your dead baby‘s heartbeat scan so your best friend can make something special for you with them.
It’s hating your body because it’s moving on and you’re not ready to. It’s logging your first period in 10 months into your app so it will tell you when you ovulate next.
It’s listening to the songs that remind you of your favorite times together driving in the car, you singing, baby kicking along, and screaming the words by yourself now to try to feel close to her.
It’s daydreaming of when you were pregnant and what her kicks felt like before they stopped.
It’s looking for pictures online of young kids to try to imagine what she would’ve looked like at different ages.
It’s going to get your oil changed, and handing your keys over with the sweet keychain your friend gave you, hoping they’ll ask about it so you can tell them about your precious baby.
It’s wanting to not dye your hair anymore so your hair is lighter like hers was.
It’s pinching yourself and saying “FUCKING WAKE UP NOW! THIS IS JUST A HORRIBLE DREAM!”
It’s pulling into your driveway and realizing you were so lost in your thoughts that you don’t remember how you drove home.
It’s going into your baby’s perfect nursery and yelling and pleading to God to please give you some peace and an ounce of courage to continue to breathe without her here.
It’s telling your husband you think it’d be best to just sell your home and pack up her things before you get pregnant again so you don’t have to be the ones to erase her nursery.
It’s pleading with the universe to please let you know why she died because you need some kind of closure or reason.
It’s praying for every pregnant woman and new parents that their baby is ok and that this won’t happen to them.
It’s wondering what the fuck you did to deserve this.
It’s begging God to please let you get pregnant again and please let you keep the next baby.
It’s deciding to open your world up to the outside and share the link to your blog on social media. It’s for the first time in your life knowing that people will judge you, and FINALLY not giving a shit because this is about you and your heart.
Two months hurts like hell.